Things you should never tell about your boyfriend  1. When you’re going through a sex slump.
Let’s set the scene: You and your guy haven’t had sex in a few
months. You’re not sure why, so in a fit of frustration you tell
your coupled-up friend. Her response? “Oh, don’t worry, we
haven’t either. It’s been four months.”
While that may give you a huge sigh of relief, Irina Firstein, a
couples therapist in New York City, says it’s not very helpful.
“This kind of comment normalizes a problem that needs to be
addressed,” she explains. “Your friend is trying to help, but
she’s probably not because she’s untrained in sex therapy and
can’t usually give constructive feedback.”
Plus, whether she admits it or not, Firstein says it’s likely she’s
lying. “Your sex life is actually really private, and many people
tend to not be completely honest about theirs in an effort to
relate to the person they’re having the conversation with,” she
explains. In the end, her . can make you feel worse (or better)
about your problems, which is ultimately not helpful.
So, if you’re having problems in the bedroom, first try bringing
it up with your partner. If you can’t get to the root of the issue
together though, consider talking with a sex therapist who can
not only help you figure out why there’s a lack of intimacy but
also give you ideas to spice things up in the bedroom.
2. When your in-laws piss you off.
It seems like everyone bitches about their mother- or sister-in-
law, but Firstein says you should try to bite your tongue if you
can. You never know when word is going to get back around
to your husband (or if he simply overheard you in the other
room), and that can make him resentful, “as typically people
are defensive of their family,” she explains.
And again, it’s not helpful. Sure, it’ll make you feel better in
the moment to get a frustration off your chest, but ultimately
the feedback you get from friends will be personal and likely
drawn from their own experience. “That has nothing to do with
you and your situation, so it’s safer not to risk it,” says
Firstein.
Instead, go get in a workoutto blow off some steam, then
come back and talk to your partner, so you can work out a
solution after you’ve had some time to cool off and can speak
(and think) more clearly.
3. When your partner reveals his sexual
fantasy.
In season three of Friends, a whole episode is devoted to
Rachel telling Phoebe about Ross’s Princess Leia fantasy —
and Ross being pissed about her sharing that secret. His
frustration is warranted, says sex therapist Vanessa Marin.
“Most of us have fantasies that we’re not entirely comfortable
with; it’s a big deal to let down your guard and share the most
intimate parts of your sexuality with another person,” she says.
As his partner, Marin says you should honor that trust and
keep the information private. It may be tempting to talk about
if there’s a big shock value to the confession, or if you don’t
know how to tell him you’re not all that keen on making it a
reality. But resist and keep that info to yourself.
(After all, how would you feel if he talked about your fantasies
with his buddies?) If you need to talk to someone, book a
session with a sex therapist.
4. When one of you cheats.
Whether it was an emotional or physical affair (yes, there’s a
difference and yes, they’re both considered infidelity), any acts
that had you or your partner straying outside your relationship
need to be kept quiet, says Firstein.
It’s common to want to vent to someone else — say, your
mom or your best friend — but Firstein says that can
irreparably damage their opinion of your partner. And while that
may be NBD if the two of you decide to separate, if you want
to make a comeback, it’ll be that much harder.
“Because others know about it, it will linger on and you’ll have
to deal with their feelings and judgment for however long they
decide,” says Firstein. Think about it: If your mom knows, then
every time you have a small fight with your guy and need to
vent, she’ll always be able to bring it back to the affair, even if
it has nothing to do with that. (Plus, just imagine the daggers
of hatred shooting from her eyes at every family get-together
from there on out. Awk-ward.) Instead, talk to an individual or
couple’s therapist about the affair whenever you need to —
they create a safe space for you to get your emotions out
without a side of judgment.
5. When one (or both) of you is going through
something private.
It sounds like a given, but Firstein says it’s worth repeating: If
your partner confides in you about a privatefamily matter (his
sibling has a serious health condition, for example) or a less-
than-ideal situation he’s in (like the loss of a job), keep your
mouth shut. When he opens up to you like that, it’s proof that
he trusts you and your ability to handle the situation in a
respectful manner, she says.
Don’t break that trust by opening up to someone else — even if
it’s simply because you’re looking for advice on how to
console him. Instead, “it’s best to just listen and be there,”
says Firstein. “It’s a touchy issue, but the best thing you can
do is let him talk, and be caring and empathetic.”
6. When he makes a money mistake.
Making a mistake is embarrassing enough, but when it’s about
money it tends to be even more personal, as finances can be
one of the biggest causes of divorce, says Firstein.
So don’t cut him down by talking about it in public. Whether
he made a bad . in the stock market or exercised poor
judgment in his spending habits that month, it’s a personal
transgression that’s just that — personal.
Talking about it to your friends makes him look bad, which
inevitably changes their opinion of him, says Firstein. If you
need advice on how to bounce back, try these money-
budgeting tips and consider consulting a financial adviser to
help you both get back on track.
7. When your partner has a smell, taste, penis
size (whatever) that you didn’t expect.
When you first start seeing someone, it’s common for both
men and women to dish details to their friends about their
partner’s body, says Marin.
After all, what woman hasn’t had a rowdy conversation with
her girlfriends detailing her latest hookup? But if the guy is
someone you could potentially see yourself dating long-term,
you may want to pause, she says.
“Your friends are going to eventually meet him, and your
partner would probably be horrified he ever found out you
shared this really personal information,” says Marin.
Now, that’s not to say you can’t say anything — he’d probably
be stoked if you were vague and simply bragged on his skills a
bit — but if it’s something that could potentially embarrass him
or that he’s already insecure about (like having a smaller
penis, for example), keep it to yourself.