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Ways to stop being jealous in your relationship 

As much as you want to be thechilled out girlfriend, chances are you’ve felt a pang of jealousy related to your BF at least once.

Take me for example. I like to think I’m pretty laid back. But a few weeks ago, I saw a photo of my boyfriend kissing another girl on Facebook from eight years ago, flipped out, and made him delete it. That was pretty nuts! What a crazy day, huh?

Looking back on it, I get that I did this out of insecurity. I didn’t actually think my boyfriend was secretly looking back at that old photo every day, pining to get back with the person he dated like 10 girlfriends ago. But I was in a touchy mood, I guess, and my insecurity got the better of me.

After that, I wanted to learn more about the roots of relationship jealousy and how to overcome it. So I talked to relationship expert Dr. Nikki Goldstein for some pointers. Here’s what she said.

1. Understand jealousy comes from insecurity.

Like so many other relationship problems, jealousy stems from good, old-fashioned insecurity. You might be feeling bad about yourself or your relationship — or even fearful of losing your partner.

“The first thing is to work out where that insecurity’s coming from,” Dr. Goldstein said. “Maybe you’re not feeling good about your body at the moment. You’re feeling down — ‘oh, he must be flirting with someone because I’m not good enough.'”

The issue could also come from a worry that he’s not into the relationship the way you are. Maybehis lack of PDA is making you worried, so seeing him pay attention to another girl triggers a fear that he isn’t interested.

“If you’re looking at your partner right in front of you putting his hand on another girl’s back, you will get jealous because all of a sudden you have a fear of losing something,” Dr. Goldstein said.

2. Separate your anger and frustration from what’s causing the jealousy.

So your boyfriend’s female friend texted him something flirty, and you saw it and flipped out. Your anger and frustration are totally normal in this situation — but immediately acting on those feelings probably won’t solve anything.

“Anger and frustration can be very confronting emotions for the person on the receiving end,” Dr. Goldstein said. “When someone’s angry at you or acts out at you, the first thing someone will do is get defensive or withdraw. And that’s only going to fuel the fire.”

Before you know it, it’s turned into a blowout fight and no one’s going to come out of it without hurt feelings.

So a better approach is to take a deep breath and figure out the reason why you’re feeling insecure about the text message, or whatever’s prompting the issue. Easier said than done, of course, but if you can keep yourself from defaulting to anger and frustration, you’ll end up having a productive conversation about your relationship instead of a shouting match.

3. If you need to, walk away and do something else before having the talk.

Even if you catch your boo in the sack with someone else, Dr. Goldstein says anger isn’t the wisest course of action. Instead, go talk to a friend or spend some time alone to assess exactly how you feel about the situation.

“That quick anger/frustration response will be at the top of your brain, and you’re acting on a really basic emotion so you may end up doing something that can come back to bite you,” Dr. Goldstein said.

For example, if you’re really in a rage, you might end up saying something nasty about whatever girl has inspired your jealousy — which will only make you feel worse in the long run and could even come back and bite you in the ass.

Avoid this by approaching the situation with a clear head, as hard as that may sound.

4. Know that even if you can approach the situation maturely, your boyfriend might not.

I mean, this isn’t really news to anyone. But a lot of guys can shut down when they feel attacked. There’s a chance your boyfriend will react with anger and frustration, even if you’re being calm.

With this in mind, Dr. Goldstein suggests making sure the time is right for your partner to talk about the situation, too. So if you’re feeling totally zen and ready to have an honest convo about your relationship, and your boyfriend just got home from the worst work day of his life, maybe you should wait a few before confronting him about that comment he made about your friend’s appearance the other day.

5. Think back to similar past situations.

Maybe last month you watched your boyfriend getting friendly with someone at after-work drinks and you didn’t care, but this month he did the same thing and it bothered you.

What’s the difference? Maybe this month you’re not feeling as secure about the relationship for whatever reason. Maybe you just had a bad day so you were extra sensitive. Maybe he did something that reminded you of a past boyfriend who wasn’t faithful.

Or maybe he was being inappropriate and crossing a boundary you’d established. Whatever the case, the more soul-searching you do on this before talking to him about it, the more productive your talk will be.

Speaking of boundaries, that brings us to our next point…

6. Establish boundaries ahead of time.

If you’re not cool with your boyfriend hanging out with other girls one-on-one, but he’s used to hanging out with female friends, he really has no way of knowing that that’s an issue for you. So you two need to establish whether it’s okay for him to continue doing that now that you’re an item.

Similarly, if you’re used to having guys like and comment on your Instagram posts and he’s never been with a girl who kills it on social media before, he’s going to want to talk to you about what it means and whether he should be worried.

If you and your partner can establish what’s acceptable and what’s unacceptable within your relationship, it’ll be way easier to sort through your feelings later on when you feel jealous, Dr. Goldstein points out.

For example, maybe you’ve told him that you don’t like him texting other girls and he has accepted that and told you he won’t carry on text conversations with other girls. If he then goes and texts some other girl while you two are together, he’s clearly crossed a boundary. At that point, it’s not an issue of jealousy — it’s an issue of him violating a rule that the two of you had previously agreed on.

That’s way easier to troubleshoot than a vague “I’m mad, WTF is wrong with you?”

7. Explain your feelings in specific terms.

Once you’ve determined the right time and gotten yourself in the right headspace to talk about what’s bugging you, be as specific as possible about what you’re feeling and why you think you’re feeling it.

Don’t say “you’re making me jealous,” Dr. Goldstein said. Say, “I saw you getting friendly with someone else and it’s not making me feel good.”

“Especially when talking to a male, sentences like that are easy understand and they won’t [react] as defensively if you phrase it like that,” Dr. Goldstein said. “It’s not saying you should be blaming yourself for the jealousy, but more understanding where it’s coming from.”

8. Be prepared to put your feelings into context.

As I pointed out to Dr. Goldstein, many guys’ go-to response to a conversation about jealousy will be “you’re crazy.” It’s fucked up, it’s not fair, and it’s often rooted in sexist attitudes (even though in our opinion dudes can be way crazierthan girls). But it happens.

The best comeback to a garden variety “you’re crazy” accusation is context. Explain to him the facts behind your feelings. If he’s been acting weird, or spending a lot of time with another girl, or not being as affectionate with you as he used to be, you’re not crazy for wanting to understand what’s going on.

Most of all, though, know that you’re not crazy, he’s just being a baby and trying to deflect blame. And the best way to counteract that is with reason.

9. If he says everything’s cool and you still can’t shake the feeling, do more self-exploration.

As mentioned in the first point, jealousy usually comes from some other insecurity.

“A lot of women might feel insecure about their body or not happy in life and they act out in a secondary way,” Dr. Goldstein said. “They don’t feel pretty or sexy or happy in their relationship and will cope with that in another way.”

For that reason, Dr. Goldstein suggests you ask yourself questions like, “How am I feeling about this relationship? How do I feel about myself?How do I feel about my relationship? Do I feel supported in this relationship?”

If you’re not happy with yourself or in your relationship, then that’s the issue — not jealousy or a flirty text.

10. Be careful about taking advice from others.

Negative effects of falling in love quickly 

1. Completely forgetting how to be alone.

2. Abandoning close friends.

3. Rudely telling off every other single guy.

You might also make the mistake of burning bridges with too many people. Not cool.

4. Planning your entire future with him.

5. Rushing into sex. [And actually engaging in sexual acts you swore you would never do.]

6. Finding a middle ground when standing your ground, is obviously the right thing to do.

7. Going overboard with social media displays of affection.

Don’t make the mistake of going overboard with social media love posts. Do not. (The Trent)

8. Hastening up to the point of making family introductions.

If you do fall into a quick, whirlwind kind of love, the type that seems to have taken you by utter surprise, you better open your eyes, and not fall into these mistakes that have been the undoing of many careless women before you.

Different couples that never fully triumph over 

1. The spendthrift and the spender

If you rely on saving and investing heavily in the future, you really will find it hard understanding why someone prefers to live a life of lau-lau spending. [Laulau is a yoruba word for ‘showy’]

You might think you would get them to outgrow it, but this is a potential banana peel and many have been frustrated by this very same thing till cracks started to appear in their relationships.

2. Career versus relationship

There are people, who, due to one reason or another, believe that it’s okay to put their career needs before their relationship and family needs.

If your lover holds this kind of view, you might never be able to change them for life. And imagine the number of potential problems that could result from this.

3. Tolerance

You may see nothing wrong in yelling and raising your voice when you are angry or displeased about something.

Due to the upbringing of some people, however, yelling may be interpreted as an abusive act, a relationship-terminating behaviour.

4. Family’s unacceptance

This is a very common, re-occurring problem.

Being with a man who doesn’t like your family or one your family doesn’t like will put an unbearable amount of hassle on you and your relationship.

You’ll end up feeling that neither of those relationships is all that they could be.

5. The dead libido and the forever lover

Even couples who are as emotionally close as can be still need a sex life.

Needless to say, if you are not very keen on regular sexual activity but your partner is one who can literally do with more than one round of sex every day, of course there’ll be a clash of interests and soon enough, you might start seeing strains on your relationship.

6. Friendship with exes

If you are of the opinion that exes should never remain friends, and then you get with someone who believes that they can be friends with whoever they want, you will never understand the logic behind their actions.

You might overlook it at first, thinking they will change along the line, but eventually you will start to question their unending friendship/association with that ex, and soon enough, allegations of infidelity/cheating will start to surface.

Cue in a little more time, and the relationship is over.

In all things, what should never be forgotten is the power of communication in relationships.

You can overcome all of this if you communicate your views and thoughts about all these issues wit each other.

If your partner knows how you feel about these things beforehand, and before things get really serious, then they can know whether to sidestep or continue, knowing that they have been warned of what to expect and what not to.

Different couples that never fully triumph over 

1. The spendthrift and the spender

If you rely on saving and investing heavily in the future, you really will find it hard understanding why someone prefers to live a life of lau-lau spending. [Laulau is a yoruba word for ‘showy’]

You might think you would get them to outgrow it, but this is a potential banana peel and many have been frustrated by this very same thing till cracks started to appear in their relationships.

2. Career versus relationship

There are people, who, due to one reason or another, believe that it’s okay to put their career needs before their relationship and family needs.

If your lover holds this kind of view, you might never be able to change them for life. And imagine the number of potential problems that could result from this.

3. Tolerance

You may see nothing wrong in yelling and raising your voice when you are angry or displeased about something.

Due to the upbringing of some people, however, yelling may be interpreted as an abusive act, a relationship-terminating behaviour.

4. Family’s unacceptance

This is a very common, re-occurring problem.

Being with a man who doesn’t like your family or one your family doesn’t like will put an unbearable amount of hassle on you and your relationship.

You’ll end up feeling that neither of those relationships is all that they could be.

5. The dead libido and the forever lover

Even couples who are as emotionally close as can be still need a sex life.

Needless to say, if you are not very keen on regular sexual activity but your partner is one who can literally do with more than one round of sex every day, of course there’ll be a clash of interests and soon enough, you might start seeing strains on your relationship.

6. Friendship with exes

If you are of the opinion that exes should never remain friends, and then you get with someone who believes that they can be friends with whoever they want, you will never understand the logic behind their actions.

You might overlook it at first, thinking they will change along the line, but eventually you will start to question their unending friendship/association with that ex, and soon enough, allegations of infidelity/cheating will start to surface.

Cue in a little more time, and the relationship is over.

In all things, what should never be forgotten is the power of communication in relationships.

You can overcome all of this if you communicate your views and thoughts about all these issues wit each other.

If your partner knows how you feel about these things beforehand, and before things get really serious, then they can know whether to sidestep or continue, knowing that they have been warned of what to expect and what not to.

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Things u should never tell people about your relationship 

1. When you’re going through a sex slump.

Let’s set the scene: You and your guy haven’t had sex in a few months. You’re not sure why, so in a fit of frustration you tell your coupled-up friend. Her response? “Oh, don’t worry, we haven’t either. It’s been four months.”

While that may give you a huge sigh of relief, Irina Firstein, a couples therapist in New York City, says it’s not very helpful. “This kind of comment normalizes a problem that needs to be addressed,” she explains. “Your friend is trying to help, but she’s probably not because she’s untrained in sex therapy and can’t usually give constructive feedback.”

Plus, whether she admits it or not, Firstein says it’s likely she’s lying. “Your sex life is actually really private, and many people tend to not be completely honest about theirs in an effort to relate to the person they’re having the conversation with,” she explains. In the end, her . can make you feel worse (or better) about your problems, which is ultimately not helpful.

So, if you’re having problems in the bedroom, first try bringing it up with your partner. If you can’t get to the root of the issue together though, consider talking with a sex therapist who can not only help you figure out why there’s a lack of intimacy but also give you ideas to spice things up in the bedroom.

2. When your in-laws piss you off.

It seems like everyone bitches about their mother- or sister-in-law, but Firstein says you should try to bite your tongue if you can. You never know when word is going to get back around to your husband (or if he simply overheard you in the other room), and that can make him resentful, “as typically people are defensive of their family,” she explains.

And again, it’s not helpful. Sure, it’ll make you feel better in the moment to get a frustration off your chest, but ultimately the feedback you get from friends will be personal and likely drawn from their own experience. “That has nothing to do with you and your situation, so it’s safer not to risk it,” says Firstein.

Instead, go get in a workoutto blow off some steam, then come back and talk to your partner, so you can work out a solution after you’ve had some time to cool off and can speak (and think) more clearly.

3. When your partner reveals his sexual fantasy.

In season three of Friends, a whole episode is devoted to Rachel telling Phoebe about Ross’s Princess Leia fantasy — and Ross being pissed about her sharing that secret. His frustration is warranted, says sex therapist Vanessa Marin. “Most of us have fantasies that we’re not entirely comfortable with; it’s a big deal to let down your guard and share the most intimate parts of your sexuality with another person,” she says.

As his partner, Marin says you should honor that trust and keep the information private. It may be tempting to talk about if there’s a big shock value to the confession, or if you don’t know how to tell him you’re not all that keen on making it a reality. But resist and keep that info to yourself.

(After all, how would you feel if he talked about your fantasies with his buddies?) If you need to talk to someone, book a session with a sex therapist.

4. When one of you cheats.

Whether it was an emotional or physical affair (yes, there’s a difference and yes, they’re both considered infidelity), any acts that had you or your partner straying outside your relationship need to be kept quiet, says Firstein.

It’s common to want to vent to someone else — say, your mom or your best friend — but Firstein says that can irreparably damage their opinion of your partner. And while that may be NBD if the two of you decide to separate, if you want to make a comeback, it’ll be that much harder.

“Because others know about it, it will linger on and you’ll have to deal with their feelings and judgment for however long they decide,” says Firstein. Think about it: If your mom knows, then every time you have a small fight with your guy and need to vent, she’ll always be able to bring it back to the affair, even if it has nothing to do with that. (Plus, just imagine the daggers of hatred shooting from her eyes at every family get-together from there on out. Awk-ward.) Instead, talk to an individual or couple’s therapist about the affair whenever you need to — they create a safe space for you to get your emotions out without a side of judgment.

5. When one (or both) of you is going through something private.

It sounds like a given, but Firstein says it’s worth repeating: If your partner confides in you about a privatefamily matter (his sibling has a serious health condition, for example) or a less-than-ideal situation he’s in (like the loss of a job), keep your mouth shut. When he opens up to you like that, it’s proof that he trusts you and your ability to handle the situation in a respectful manner, she says.

Don’t break that trust by opening up to someone else — even if it’s simply because you’re looking for advice on how to console him. Instead, “it’s best to just listen and be there,” says Firstein. “It’s a touchy issue, but the best thing you can do is let him talk, and be caring and empathetic.”

6. When he makes a money mistake.

Making a mistake is embarrassing enough, but when it’s about money it tends to be even more personal, as finances can be one of the biggest causes of divorce, says Firstein.

So don’t cut him down by talking about it in public. Whether he made a bad . in the stock market or exercised poor judgment in his spending habits that month, it’s a personal transgression that’s just that — personal.

Talking about it to your friends makes him look bad, which inevitably changes their opinion of him, says Firstein. If you need advice on how to bounce back, try these money-budgeting tips and consider consulting a financial adviser to help you both get back on track.

7. When your partner has a smell, taste, penis size (whatever) that you didn’t expect.

When you first start seeing someone, it’s common for both men and women to dish details to their friends about their partner’s body, says Marin.

After all, what woman hasn’t had a rowdy conversation with her girlfriends detailing her latest hookup? But if the guy is someone you could potentially see yourself dating long-term, you may want to pause, she says.

“Your friends are going to eventually meet him, and your partner would probably be horrified he ever found out you shared this really personal information,” says Marin.

Now, that’s not to say you can’t say anything — he’d probably be stoked if you were vague and simply bragged on his skills a bit — but if it’s something that could potentially embarrass him or that he’s already insecure about (like having a smaller penis, for example), keep it to yourself.

Irresistible things a man loves about a woman 

1. Your contagious laugh

Everyone’s laugh is special, but it’s one of the things he loves most about you.

2. The way you smile

Whenever you give him that real, genuine smile, he can’t help but smile right along with you.

3. When you run your fingers through your hair

He admires you for your luscious locks of hair, and there’s just something about the way you run your fingers through your hair that makes him crazy.

4. Your unique personality

There’s a reason he’s in a relationship with you, and it’s mostly because of your unique, attractive personality.

5. The way you look at him

Eyes can hold so much emotion. When you look at him he can see and feel your love and admiration for him.

6. Your obsessions

He likes it when you get excited over something you love. He loves the way little things make you happy.

7. How much you love little children

Nothing is more admirable to him than the way you treat little children. Your love for them only shows how great of a mother you are or will be.

8. When you . jokes on him

Playful jokes are ever entertaining when you do them to your husband. He loves that you’re full of surprises.

9. Your warm hugs

The long, warm, lingering hugs are the best kind. Hugs are expressive of your love for each other, and he loves being able to hold you in his arms.

10. Holding his hand

There’s just something about the way your hands fit perfectly together. It’s a tiny gesture, but huge in a show of your love.

11. How you treat your pets

Your furry friends love you unconditionally. The way you treat them only makes you more attractive in his eyes.

12. Your gentle touch

The small, meaningful touches are the ones he loves the most.

13. The way you talk about your dreams

He could listen to you talk about your dreams and aspirations all day. He admires your sense of adventure and the wonderful things you wish to do and accomplish.

14. Your confidence

Even if you’re shy, he loves it when you show your confidence. Confidence only makes you that much more beautiful in his eyes.

15. When you kiss him

Even the tiniest of kisses are packed full of love. He loves it when you kiss him because the best part is when he gets to kiss you back.

Things a good husband should do without being asked 

1. Wait until you get home to eat, so you can have dinner together.

2. Make the bed when he gets up after you do.

3. Delete his ex’s number from his phone, out of respect for you and your relationship.

4. Compliment you on your new haircut, because he actually noticed the change.

5. Take you out for a nice dinner during special occasions (or for no occasion at all).

6. Hand you his jacket when you’re shivering.

7. Go down on you.

8. Do the dishes when they’re piled up in the sink.

9. Wait until you get home to watch the latest episode of Shameless, because he’d rather watch it together.

10. Text you to make sure you got home safe.

11. Offer to drive whenever you go out on dates.

12. Send you good morning and good night texts.

13. Put the seat down after peeing.

14. Make you breakfast on a random day, just because he loves you.

15. Pick up tampons when your last box runs out.

16. Make you dinner (or at least pick up Chinese) when he knows you’re not in the mood to cook.

17. Wash his beard trimmings out of the sink.

18. Hold your hand whenever you go out in public together.

19. Put on the show he knows you secretly want to watch.

20. Take candid pictures of you, because he wants as many as he can fit in his phone.

21. Buy presents for your parents on their birthdays.

22. Tell you all about his day, before you even have the opportunity to ask.

23. Share his blanket with you.

24. Ask you about your day every single day.

25. Cuddle with you before you fall asleep.

26. Help you walk when you’re stumbling around after having a few too many drinks.

27. Wear the shirt you bought him when he goes to work.

28. Buy you the best birthday gift (and actually remember your birthday without having to be reminded twenty times).

29. Compliment you on your outfit as soon as you walk through the door.

30. Turn down his friend’s invitation out, because he already made plans with you.

31. Give you a massage when you complain about your back being sore.

32. Offer to pay for your dates.

33. Make your relationship “. official.”

34. Let you cry into his chest after you’ve had a rough day.

35. Keep himself well-groomed below the belt.

36. Bring home a doggy bag full of food when he goes out for dinner without you.

37. Remind you he loves you every chance that he gets.

Gestures that makes a woman feels completely adored

1. . with her hair

Women are actually like very large cats. Playing with her hair will immediately cause her to internally start purring. (Note: If your lady has naturally curly hair, do NOT do this without first asking permission.)

2. Kiss in public

Little kisses on the train or at the grocery store are sweet reminders you are proud to be with her. They also take you back to the beginning days of your relationship when a simple kiss was enough to make your head spin.

3. Bring up past conversations

Linking . conversations into current ones shows her that when she talks, you’re not mindlessly thumbing through Instagram – you’re attentive enough to what she is saying that you’ll remember it later on. Remember her likes and dislikes and work those into the conversation as well.

4. Run away from p****graphy

There is no better way to destroy your wife’s confidence than looking at s*xual images of other women. Show her she is enough by choosing to be committed only to her – even in your thoughts.

5. Make an effort to love her family

Her mother may be critical, her brother a major moocher and her uncle that awkward guy at the reunions that tells off-color jokes, but if she loves them, you should to. Make an effort to participate in family events she would like to be at … no matter how much you may dislike them.

6. Whisper in her ear at a party

Whisper a little compliment, inside joke or flirty remark to her when you’re in public. Those innocent shared secrets make her feel connected to you.

7. Take care of her

She may be a strong, independent woman, but be man enough to show her you love her enough to take care of her when she needs it. In turn, she’ll want to take care of you at your weakest moments as well.

8. Initiate texts

Send her a text during the day, just to show her she is on your mind.

9. Don’t buy that video game

Money disagreements are the third largest cause of divorce, according to the Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts. Sometimes not buying that toy you’ve wanted for so long because you can’t totally afford it says “I love you” more than anything else. Living within your budget is the most practical type of love.

10. Pause to make time

Your busy schedule is hard to navigate, but try foregoing something important one evening to demonstrate she is still the No. 1 priority on your list.

11. Don’t ask permission

There are times when she doesn’t want to choose the date, the restaurant or her birthday gift. Don’t worry so much about her liking it, and just surprise her. It’s the little surprises that keep love lively.

12. Just simply say it

The three words we should say a lot more than we actually do; a well placed, “Sweetheart, I love you,” is always welcome.

13. … or write it

There may be no quicker way to a woman’s heart than a hand-written note slipped into her purse or pocket.

14. Do the dishes

Do them, and watch the magic happen.

15. Lead in important conversations

Your lady doesn’t want to be your babysitter, and by initiating important conversations about your relationship, your finances, your children and other concerns allows her to not have to feel that way. Help her be your lover, not your mother.

16. Be on time

Or better yet, be early. If you have plans together, make them a priority. Being on time or early shows her you are excited to spend time with her.

17. Appreciate her getting ready

On the reverse, you’ll surely be waiting on your lady at some point as she is getting ready and will only be “five more minutes.” Have patience, and appreciate that sometimes looking stunning actually takes some time.

19. Give specific compliments

How long has it been since you told her she was beautiful? How much you love your life with her? How much you admire her ability to make others feel better about themselves? Don’t make her assume these things; tell her often.