Wednesday, 2 November 2016
Seven things you do that ruins your marriage..
Here are seven ways you might be sabotaging your marriage
or intimate relationship without even knowing it.
1. Having unrealistic expectations.
Movies and magazines make us think of marriage as
something idealistic and romantic. However, marriage is not
always rainbows and butterflies. You won’t only be holding
hands and watching sunsets together. You will also deal with
difficult life situations and major adult responsibilities. There
will be good days, but there will also be bad ones. Sometimes
you will get along with your spouse — and sometimes you
won’t.
To maintain a healthy marriage, both partners need to build
marital skills and make compromises for each other to keep
the bond strong. Each must understand that love is not enough
to fix everything. Disagreements are normal. You simply need
to learn to deal with and move past them.
Intimate love doesn’t come naturally. You have to learn how
to cultivate it, to make an effort to maintain it, and to
support each other during difficult times.
2. Taking things too personally.
When you take things personally, you become defensive about
every little thing that happens. At times, the anger your partner
takes out on you is likely caused by a fight they had with
a colleague, stress at work, oncoming illness or some other
reason.
This is why it’s important to ask your partner what is going on
for them, and then listen to the answer, rather than make
assumptions. It is crucial that you work to understand the
reason for your partner’s anger, and to be compassionate
towards them.
Similarly, things may be said in the heat of the moment during
an argument that each of you probably didn’t mean it. If you
hold onto a grudge about something your spouse said when
they were angry, you disrupt your relationship with your
partner, as well as your own well-being. At the same time,
while you need to take responsibility for your actions, don’t
assume your partner’s actions were a result of your behavior.
3. Focusing on the negatives.
We are wired to easily find the things that are wrong rather
than focus on things that are right. If you always notice the
things that your partner did not do, rather than the things they
actually did, you are probably only seeing the dark side of the
picture.
Don’t discard the efforts your spouse puts in by considering it
their duty. Learn to shift your perspective so the
positives outweigh the negatives. If you consistently focus
on the negatives and ignore the positives, your marriage is
probably in danger.
4. Preferring to be right rather than happy.
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There’s no good reason to compete with your partner. You and
your spouse are on the same team. Marriage isn’t a contest of
who is right or who is wrong, or who wins and who loses.
In order for you to be right, your partner must end up being
wrong. If you are of the view that you must be right and you
must win all arguments no matter what the consequences, this
will mean the loss of your marriage.
5. Being reactive rather than responsible.
Reacting and showing negative reactions in the moments is an
easy trap to fall into. We typically feel free to share our anger,
judgment, blame, and hurt, but we refuse to take responsibility
for our own feelings and behaviors.
No one can make you feel anything. It is your own thoughts
and expectations that create your emotions. Be proactive and
responsible by working to understand and recognize your
triggers. Find the reasons behind why your spouse’s particular
behaviors hurt you so much. Allow yourself to feel your
uncomfortable feelings as they arise without judgment so you
can do the necessary work to free yourself from them.
6. Blaming your partner rather than being compassionate and
constructive.
The blame game can take a serious toll on any relationship.
This will make the partner who is being blamed feel trapped,
suffocated, and helpless.
Try sitting down together to make a list of each other’s
behaviors and expectations. Then work together to come up
with solutions to these issues. Keep in mind that you are both
doing the best you can based on each of your abilities, skills,
experiences and life lessons. Have compassion for each other
and move away from blame while taking responsibility for
yourselves and your relationship.
Playing the victim or being a blamer will solve nothing, and
only put your marriage in jeopardy.
7. Trying to control behaviors rather than to influence them.
We all want a degree of control in our lives. Yet, for some, that
also means a need to have control over the lives of everyone
who enters into their path. The fact is, partners try to control
each other’s behaviors when they don’t trust themselves. What
we need instead of control is the power to influence our
environment, especially our partner.
Rather than expecting your partner to be a certain way, focus
on changing yourself in ways that are likely to influence your
partner as well.
Not only will you serve as a good role model to your partner,
but you will have a greater chance of getting the outcome you
want.
More importantly, you will enjoy a happier relationship and life.
Ruining a marriage is easy. Making things work is the difficult
part.
Avoid the above sabotaging behaviors by interjecting care and
compassion to create a loving marriage
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